Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One learned how to swim, joined a Masters team, set a USMS record, and appeared on the cover of SWIM magazine. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two vultures were planning to go to The Woodlands for the USMS Nationals. After careful consideration, they decided that flying on their own was very tiresome, so they decided to board an airplane instead. They planned carefully for the long flight, each carrying a dead raccoon for sustenance along the way. As they approached the ticket counter, the clerk looked over and asked if they'd like to check their baggage. The vultures looked up and said, "No, thank you. They're carrion."
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didn't notice him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to get a love potion from them.
"We don't give love potions anymore," said the witches. "We've decided it's too unethical. But we will help you."
They then gave him a bag of small white tablets. "Bury one of these in front of her home every night for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches. "Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell in love with me, and now we are to be married. I'm amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches. "Remember, nothin' says lovin' like something from the Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
The coach noticed one swimmer coming in late for evening practice, almost at the end of the practice, and trying to sneak into his lane unnoticed. The coach was specially upset because a big three-day meet was beginning the next weekend, so he asked the swimmer to explain. After hearing the swimmer's lame explanation for his tardiness, the irate coach told the swimmer, "Take this whisk broom and sweep every link on the lane ropes by morning or it's 400 IM's for you for the rest of the summer!"
The swimmer took the whisk broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep off the rope in lane one, a tern flew down and landed on next link of the lane rope. The swimmer yelled at the bird so it would leave, but it didn't, so he picked the tern off the link, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and land once again on the link, and it was once again tossed over toward the deck.
The swimmer went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the lane rope once or twice before the blasted bird returned. What should have been a two-hour task stretched on and on.
The coach came in the next morning for the early practice and to check up on his wayward swimmer's job. Everything looked the same as it did when he had left the night before, and he saw the swimmer still standing in lane one. "Why are you still here, and what in the heck have you been doing?" he asked. "This lane rope is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself?"
"Honest, coach," came the weary reply, "I really tried, but I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of its biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
To test the feasibility of stocking the space station with a sustainable supply of milk and food, NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit. They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
Two pool swimmers wanted to help an open water friend and agreed to crew the support boat. They were sitting in a kayak waiting for the race to begin and were getting chilly, so they lit a small fire in the craft to try and warm up. But the boat burst into flames and sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day, realizing he'd have to buy a new wrench the next morning. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor responded, "Now, calm down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
Stephen Spielberg turned his attention to a new film project based around the lives of the great classical composers. To give the film some additional box office appeal, he decided to cast the parts of the composers to the great action heroes of today. He called Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Steven Segal into his office to discuss the possible roles.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing classical piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Splendid," he said. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold thought for a moment, and, naturally, said, "I'll be Bach."
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A cloister of friars was behind on its belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A farmer was in the fertilized egg business and had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. But this record-keeping took an awful lot of time. So when he saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone, he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a mint julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very find specimen Brewster was, but his bell had not rung all morning, so the farmer went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. The farmer was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
They not only awarded him the No Bell Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
A Buddhist refused Novocain during a root canal. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
The plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
"She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the sea shore."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A man went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man went into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he said, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order came a while later and was served on a big, shiny hubcap. Puzzled, he asked the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter said, "Well, everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs were sent to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had managed to set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a jeweled eye -- a huge ruby.
The German church sent out its best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks, three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments. Each time, he screamed so loudly that he sent the dogs running for cover. And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the pagan idol better have been torn down.
The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Friar Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight. He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders. All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing. "But," said Kommandant Brickner, "there's nothing to be done. If we tear down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation and help, we will die and the fort will be destroyed."
His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner, said, "In that case, we'd at least better make sure we put the dogs away."
"You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD!
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.